The truth is stranger than fiction! Seriously, I couldn't make this up... even if I tried. Please note that I have only edited company identifying information but this is an actual complaint where I had to provide a written response:
"I purchased a tool box from X. Both latched broke. Being a "Tool", I asked for a replacement. They replyed that it was not a hand tool. The tool box is carried by hand an is a tool as defined by Websters dictionary, "an instrument or apparatused used in performing an operation or mecessary in the practive of a vocation or professional/" The tool box is sold int the tool deptment. The product is carried by hand. Therefore it is a hand tool."
I don't remember the customer's name but I'm sure it ended with a "Y" like Jimmy, Bobby or Tommy and most likely he was from West Virginny, Mississippi, or possibly Alabama.
The following is what ran through my head as an immediate response:
"Dear Mr. Jimmy, Bobby or whatever your name is:
We have reviewed your complaint and due to the fact that you failed to quote the dictionary correctly, there is no possibility that we can attempt to assist you. In addition, please return to elementary school and you will see that computers have this nifty feature called (drum roll please...) Spell check. When you decide to get some 'edumication' you may return to our store. "
Of course I had to write a friendly letter stating that we regret if Mr. Jimmy, Bobby or whatever his name is, misunderstood the definition of hand tool, but we stand by our decision that he is not entitled to a replacement, exchange or a refund.